terça-feira, julho 05, 2005

Sexo é uma coisa suja (e bizarra)



Sexo interracial é normalíssimo!


Papai-mamãe é normal. Cachorrinho é normal. Até meia-nove é normal. Assim como Neston, sexo tem mil maneiras de ser feito. Porém, entre essas mil, pelo menos metade é de modalidades bizarras. E quando digo bizarras, não me refiro à fist fucking, bolas tailandesas nem nada disso. Me refiro à coisas muito piores e estranhas, coisas que até Inri Cristo duvida. Tem gente fazendo coisa bem peculiar por aí, e é preciso conhecer para não se surpreender na cama, mesa e banho. A seguir, uma lista fora de ordem alfabética com as modalidades sexuais nunca dantes imaginadas por Freud, Reich ou qualquer psicólogo barbudo morto com fixação em sexo.

ACROTOMOFILIA - Atração sexual por mutilados, por exemplo aqueles da guerra do Vietnã. Exemplo de pessoa com essa tara: d. Marisa, primeira-dama do Brasil.

HOMILOFILIA - Tesão ao falar em público. Alguns colegas da PUCC parecem ter essa tara.

APOTEMNOFILIA - Tesão em perder um membro. Oh-My-God!!!! Isso sim é bizarro. George Lucas parece ter apotemnofilia. Assista A Vingança dos Sith e conte quantas mãos são cortadas durante o filme. É um recorde de Hollywood, se não forem levados em conta os filmes de terror.

JACTITAÇÃO - Excitação em contar a terceiros, em voz alta, suas peripécias sexuais. Existem muitos assim, com certeza você conhece alguém que adora contar o que fez à noite.

AMALGATOFILIA - Fetiche por estátuas, manequins, ou bonecas infláveis. Como Kléber Bambam costumava ter por Maria Eugênia, aquela boneca tosca. Aliás, ele também.

KOKIGAMI - Enfeitar o pênis com peças de origami. O quê???? Isso mesmo. Imagine um cara com um barquinho de papel na piroca. Ou um chapeuzinho de pirata na ponta do membro. Alguém consegue fazer sexo com um enfeite desses adornando suas partes?

ANASTEMAFILIA - Atração por pessoas mais altas ou mais baixas. Ah, normal. Nem merece estar aqui. Só deixo para contar número e para vocês decorarem o nome, e depois poderem dizer "ei, sabia que eu ou anastemáfilo?" e impressionar todas as(os) garotas(os) mais altos/baixos nas festas.

LACRIFILIA - Excitação em ver o(a) parceiro(a) chorar. Como se faz isso? Talvez transando enquanto descasca uma cebola, ou usa-se gás lacrimogêneo, ou...

AURÉOLA - Lamber o ânus da(o) parceira(o), também conhecida como analingus. Ou lambe-prega, chupa-cu, entre nomes ainda piores.

LACTOFILIA - Tesão em ver uma grávida ou lactante verter leite dos seios. Tara relativamente normal de se ter se você tem de 0 a 2 anos de idade.

AUTOPEDERASTIA- Introduzir o pênis na própria rosca (ou ruela, para os leigos). Também conhecido como "Auto Ré No Quibe". Gerou a popular piada "Seu pau chega no umbigo?"

MISOFILIA - Tesão por roupas de baixo manchadas de esperma ou fluidos menstruais. Preguiça de colocar a roupa para lavar e nojeira também é tara?

AXILISMO - Uso das axilas no ato sexual; também conhecido como "Gaita de Fole" ou "Vendaval". Será que faz aquele barulho bacana que dá pra fazer com a mão embaixo do sovaco?

NASOFILIA - Excitação em ver, tocar, lamber ou chupar o nariz do parceiro. Chupar o nariz do parceiro é dose. Imagine só isso: uma pessoa chupando o nariz da outra durante o ato sexual. Agora imagine que um dos dois está com gripe. Pronto, já fiz você perder a fome.

COLAR DE PÉROLAS - Ejacular nos seios da parceira. Yeahhhh!!!!... Digo...digo...huh...Próximo??

NASOLINGUS - Nasofilia ao extremo, com duas versões: a narina é penetrada pelo pênis (ouch!), ou a napa é usada como substituto do membro. Pergunta para as meninas que visitam o blog: uma piroca no nariz. Alguém toparia? Ou melhor: alguém tem um naso com buracos assim tão gigantemente enormes?

COPROFILIA - Tara por aquilo que bebês fazem nas fraldas. Ou seja, por merda, cocô, bosta, fezes, poopoo, e etc. Essa já é velha conhecida do público, porque é uma das coisas mais nojentas que pode ser feita. Vá à uma locadora especializada, que sempre tem uma sessão com filmes do tipo, como "My Caviar", "100% Merda Nacional", entre outros filmes que são, literalmente, uma merda.

NECROFILIA - Sexo com cadáveres. Realmente repulsivo. Praticado por parceiros sexuais da Dercy Gonçalves.

COREOFILIA - Ficar excitado durante o ato de dançar. Seja qual for a dança. Ragatanga, Dança da Mãozinha, Dança da Manivela, Tremendo, Y.M.C.A., Funk da Pamonha, forró, techno, bolero, ska...

OCULOLINCTUS - Lamber o globo ocular do parceiro. Mas logo o globo ocular? Realmente, essa é bem original. O globo ocular é um dos últimos lugares que eu pensaria em lamber em uma pessoa.

DENDROFILIA - Fazer um buraco num tronco de árvore e meter o pau dentro. Isso que é amar a natureza.

PSICROFILIA - Transar em locais frios. Como em Campos do Jordão? Ou dentro de um freezer?

ECOUTERISMO - Meter o ouvido na parede enquanto um casal manda ver no quarto ao lado. Ou seja: quem tem essa tara pode simplesmente deixar os filmes pornôs de lado e alugar um CD pornô, que se divertirá da mesma maneira.

RATOS - Essa tem regras: 1) Introduz-se um tubo de papel higiênico no ânus: 2) Pega-se um roedor devidamente lubrificado em óleo de amêndoa; 3) O roedor entra no tubo; 4) A diversão começa. Espere um pouco. "Diversão"? Um rato correndo dentro do seu rabo e você chama isso de diversão? E porque o óleo precisa ser de amêndoa?

EMETOFILIA - Vomitar no/ser vomitado pelo parceiro. Ugh! Essa tara acaba sendo desenvolvida quando acontece aquele casual sexo bêbado. E muito frequentemente quando ocorre um fundamental sexo trêbado.

SACROFRICOSE - Cortar um buraco no fundo do bolso da calça, para se masturbar em público sem riscos de ser flagrado. Belo nome, não? Repitam comigo, crianças: aquele tio tarado que fica na esquina da escola com a mão no bolso e a língua de fora é um cara com sa-cro-fri-co-se.

FORMICOFILIA - Uso de insetos para o prazer sexual. O que o elefante fez com a formiguinha.

SIDERODROMOFILIA - Transar em trens em movimento. Inspirou a canção "Entrei no trem esporrei na manivela cobrador filha da puta me jogou pela janela..."

FROTTAGE - Se esfregar em outra pessoa sem o consentimento desta. O popular "sarro" ou "casquinha". Ninguém chama as encoxadas que ocorrem diariamente em ônibus, multidões e baladas de "frottage". É só um nomezinho sofisticado para aquilo que ocorre no ônibus lotado.

TAFEFILIA - Tesão em ser enterrado vivo. Isso sim é que é bizarro ao extremo. Lembram de Kill Bill - Volume 2? Se Beatrix Kiddo fosse taféfila, iria gostar muito do que Budd faz com ela.

GENUFALAÇÃO - Igual ao axilismo, mas nas dobras do joelho. E faz barulho?

URTICAÇÃO - Enfiar urtigas na roupa de baixo. Nossa, que coisa.

HIGROFILIA - Excitação pelo contato com a saliva, urina, vômito, excremento ou outras melecas literalmente do (a) parceiro(a). Melecas? Isso inclui catarro, ranho, pus... Que nojo!

VAPORIZAÇÃO - Usar nebulizadores como consolo. Peraí, peraí: Nebulizadores são aqueles aparelhos de inalação? E não queima a piroca? Meu primo Gustavo já queimou os ovos com um desse. Derramou água fervendo neles. Deve ter doído, mas eu ri pra caralho. Era hilário aquele garoto com os ovos fritos sentado no sofá gritando "Assopra, assopra!".

INFIBULAÇÃO - Costurar o prepúcio ou os lábios vaginais da cara-metade, para evitar traição. Isso é extremamente bizarro. Um cinto de castidade natural e mais doloroso. Acho que é o máximo da bizarrice sexual, gente. Tente superar essa.

XEROX - Usar a copiadora do escritório para xerocar o traseiro. Também conhecido como justa causa para demissão.

E é só, por enquanto. Se você conhece alguma modalidade estranha, algum caso sexual bizarro ou alguém mais que tenha queimado suas partes íntimas com um nebulizador, mande para mim! Conte sua aventura sexual com formigas, a vez de quando você foi enterrado vivo e achou o maior tesão ou a encoxada que você levou do negrão de dois metros de altura no ônibus , e do encontro que você marcou com ele para mais tarde!

107 comentários:

Sarah Ribeiro disse...

ahahahahhhaha
meu, muito engraçado...
nunca tinha ouvido falar em quase nenhuma destas modalidades...
bizarras mesmo...

muito legal seu blog..
um beijo

disse...

Putz...enfiar urtigas na roupa de baixo é um verdadeiro suicídio. Sem contar a loucura com o nebulizador, lógico, capaz de cozinhar os ovos de qualquer um.

KK disse...

realmente naum deve ser muito agradavel ter um rato dentro do seu.....bem mas me surgiu uma duvida...s.erá q reinaldo (era esse o nome dele??) bedel do sion nos tempo aureos tinha sa-cro-fri-co-se?? será???

ai meu deus!!!

estou chocada...


bjo bjo


sauadade

Anonímio Anonimando Anonímico disse...

Pode até ser sujo, bizarro.

Mas tem que ser Hetero

Porque se sujar faz bem.

Anonimácio Anonimante disse...

Além disso,

Sem cocô
Sem melecas
Sem formigas
Sem ratos
Sem nebulizadores
Sem urtigas
Sem origamis
Sem árvores
Sem axilas
Sem dobras do joelho
Sem caixões ou covas
Xerox só de zoeira
Mutilação só das roupas
Mortos só de cansaço

E no coletivo o que manda é a Lei do pau. Quem tem esfrega nos outros, quem não tem, se dá mal, como diriam os raimundos.

Gabi disse...

Tem uma modalidade interessante que não está aí... Chama-se Hochie -cochie, ou algo assim... Como ela é bem complicada, vou ver se encontro a descrição para copiar aqui.

Em todo caso, obrigada, João, você me deu idéias incríveis!

Vou ver se meu pareceiro aceita chupar meu nariz, lamber meu globo acular, me enterrar viva, ou meter nas minhas axilas. Ler isto tudo me deixou profundamente excitada...

Agora me conta, vc leu o dicionário? Tinha tudo isso lá? De onde tirou essas preciosas informações?

Gabi disse...

Eu não achei o hochie-cochie, mas que tal esta descrição de candelabro holandês?

"o homem planta bananeira com a mão direita e com a esquerda enfia o dedinho no umbigo, enquanto a mulher vestida de papagaio grita e pula na frente dele pra ver se o bilau sobe(ou desce. ele ta de ponta cabeca), e qdo o bilau subir o homem desce da bananeira da 2 cambalhotas e fika deitado de brucus com os bracos em "V", e fika parecendo um candelabro, enquanto a mulher enfia o dedaum do pé na propria buceta, e depois eles fazem sexo gritando nomes de cidades da holanda."

Crianças, não tentem fazer isto em casa!

Capitão Insano disse...

Como eu diria nos áureos tempos de ESSJ:

SEM COMENTÁRIOS!

Baiano disse...

Depois desse comentário da Gabi fica difícil dizer algo. Mas eu contei na faculdade um caso de COPROFILIA que me contaram...

O cara no quarto ao lado do motel gritava: "Caga nos meus peito, pelamordedeus..."

Visitem meu blog, um post bizarro... claro que ñ tanto qto esse...

kk disse...

atualiza logo pô!!

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